What should I do if young person does not appear interested in connecting with me?

Relationships are messy.  Working through the mess strengthens relationships. The suggestions below for these common scenarios come from young people and volunteers within Thread. 

Example:

Young person does not respond to your texts or calls. They appear bored or uninterested when they do show up to Thread events. You volunteered to build a relationship with a young person and now they barely say a word to you - what can you do next?

Potential Cause 1:

Young person is shy in a 1:1 setting or has not had enough time to build trust with you yet.

Try This:

• Try some simple conversation starters that have no right answers like a game of "would you rather" - you'll probably start learning things about one another you didn't expect.
• Spend some time working through the Questions to Open Up exercise.
• Tell your most embarrassing story that is safe for you to share; get them laughing at you before they're laughing with you.
• Check with other volunteers in the Thread Family about successful ways they have connected with the young person/adult in the past.  
• Ask about their interests and host/plan a shared experience with your Thread Family based on their interests.

Why?

In Thread we treat relationships as wealth. This means meeting the young person/adult where they are by showing that you are willing to engage in activities that they are interested in.

Potential Cause 2:

Young person has had a traumatic experience that makes him/her uncomfortable about meeting individually with you or volunteers you work with, and is unwilling to talk about it.

Try This:

• Talk to your Head of Family and other Family Members in the Thread Family to see if they can share additional information or other perspectives - especially if they have a difference experience.
• Don’t meet individually with the young person and don’t force him/her to talk about the experience. 

Why?

Don’t assume that because a young person doesn’t connect with you right away it’s your fault or that they are mad at you.  A big part of learning from all voices is that you assume people have the best intentions.  You have agreed to show all the way up - so keep trying and patiently find other ways to connect.

Potential Cause 3:

Young person gets overwhelmed hanging with all the Family Members at one time and does not know how to communicate that.

Try This:

• Maybe one volunteer in the Thread Family with a strong relationship chats with him/her about feelings with the whole group.  
• The expectation of group discussion may be stressful - so you may start hanging out at team activities (like paintball) where there is less pressure for discussion. Be sure to ask the young person for activities.

Why?

Instead of forcing the issue, take a moment to remember that we Treat Relationships as Wealth and part of that is meeting a student where they are. Allow them to lead at times and help them uncover what might actually be causing them stress with having the full Thread Family together. 

Potential Cause 4:

Young person sees you as too different from him/her to build a relationship.

Try This:

• If they share, honor what they shared and thank them for their honesty.
• Try some simple conversation starters that have no right answers like a game of "would you rather" - you'll probably start learning things about one another you didn't expect.
• Communicate with the student and other volunteers in the Thread Family to discover shared interests.
• Be vulnerable.  Share your own sincere stories, making sure to focus on the feelings you experienced to become more open.

Why?

By opening up yourself you are showing all the way up, specifically by understanding, embodying, and communicating that you have (or have had) room for growth.  Your experiences are often very different from others, but your feelings that resulted from those experiences are often relatable to others.

Potential Cause 5:

You and the young person had an uncomfortable or upsetting interaction in the past.

Try This:

• Break the ice the next time you meet and make fun of yourself for something you did during the interaction - self-deprecation can be a powerful form of sincerity and vulnerability.
• Talk with your Head of Family/GrandParent and other Family Members about their perspective of what happened - do they see the situation the same as you?
• Model vulnerability by talking with the young person about how the situation made you feel. Ask for and be ready to receive feedback from the young person about how you made them feel. 

Why?

Part of failing forward is a willingness to give and receive feedback.  As a person who cares about the student/young adult you need to model what this looks like and help them push through this discomfort so they can do so with other people in their life. 

Potential Cause 6:

Other Family Members have built strong relationships with the young person and you are not sure why.

Try This:

• Connect with the Family Members who have a strong relationship with the young person. 
• Connect with the young person along with those other Family Members and together plan a fun shared experience for your Thread Family.

Why?

In order to show all the way up, you should understand, embody, and communicate that you have room for growth. Utilizing the experiences of other volunteers in the Family allows you to engage in a learning process that will ultimately lead to a stronger relationship with the student/young adult.